I was tricked by friends having a good time into having a good time. One friend broke into playing Fortnite. Then another. Then another. Then I had my meager free time, and I like a good time. I had always suspected Fortnite was probably great because many many many people play it. I was right.
Also within 45 seconds of starting the game I knew it was completely evil. This requires me reviewing a game that is free, that anyone can play and have the same experience I have. You can maybe even convince your friends to play it. You know the game now has GOKU for just two weeks? You better get on that. You do not want to FOMO. That’s Fear Of Missing Out. It is what fuels our modern commerce. Limited Access to an infinite (digital) resource.
The Dragon Ball event is completely broken and that’s good and fine. It is only for two weeks on this game millions of people have played perpetually for years. It can be unbalanced for a few weeks until it goes back to the way it was already unbalanced.
Once someone can shoot a destructive fireball instantly killing one of potentially 98 opponents and it numbs them to damage, that could be a problem if you are that opponent. If you are the one throwing it, lol.
You can play it, as I have, for free on something you own. You can realize immediately upon starting you do not get to choose what you look like. You will more than likely be a woman. But you might reload into a Pixar man. You also do not get to pick your clothes either.
When you load into the game you will be bombarded with all the things you could have looked like. Master Chief, Rick of Rick and Morty, Captain America, John Wick, Goth Girl. These appearances give no advantages outside of possible camouflage. They all have the same dimensions if you reach out and touch your favorite characters and your enemies with your gun.
Seeing all these appearances and the backside of your Default Character filled me with an immediate need to change my appearance. To Spend Money on the free to play game. Epic Games had all the money in the world from the first tendrils of loot boxes to change your look. With those rightfully called gambling they got removed.
Replaced with paying real world money right now to unlock the Battle Pass. This gives you one appearance an tells you to Play Game to unlock more. The ways it tells you to play to unlock isn’t even hard. I had a quest today to throw produce into water. That’s stupid and fun. Sure why not?
If you want more options you have a selection of about 15 things in the Item Shop, today. Come back tomorrow for things you like more or less or regret not getting the samurai ninja girl from yesterday. Maybe it will appear a different day.
Eventually if you play 5 matches of this evil game you will find your credit card in your hand and entered and suddenly you have fortnite money. Don’t worry if you get the Battle Pass you can play just enough to unlock fortnite money so you don’t have to pay for the Battle Pass. If you keep the path and just focus on the battle pass you’ll have a steady stream of new looks you already paid for.
You can also pay for new loading screens, LOL.
Once you have one appearance you can no longer choose Default. Wow. If you want Default go make a new free account!
The game until recently had been off limits to olds (people in their 30s) because outside of pointing the camera and pulling the trigger on your favorite pop culture icon you also had to build stuff. You could build a tower or a barrier to escape your opponent of even to get the advantage.
Now there is a mode just about parachuting into a giant playground island with beautiful biomes to explore and find 99 other players with one goal: kill each other.
Maybe you’ve seen the news recently where mass murder is up. There are and have always been, several wars on. I frequently look at my own offspring and apologize for the world I brought them into. Their innocence to be pulled from them at some point and my job to protect and prepare them for that day.
While I have been coy before this is a game about killing other players with guns. In the most bright colorful way possible. When they die their corpse teleporte away waiting to respawn in The Next Game. The same video game it always has been.
I am older and I have to think about the media I consume. This for all it is dressed up, and the current season is about Summer Vibes, it is about shooting people as efficiently as possible. That should throw a hole into my stomach. I should hate it. I should be a sensible person and get a new hobby like illegal urban gardening.
The problem is, Fortnite is really fun. It is also really good. It always errs on the side of too much player power. You don’t swim through the water, you dolphin jump. You don’t slide, you skid 20 feet on knees of steel. If you get hit by a vehicle you shoot another 20 feet into the air. You can climb and crouch and run and jump in a way that feels kinetic and great.
You can get a grappling hook that makes you Spiderman better than any Spiderman game I have ever played. The motorboat has a jet engine that can launch it far inland. Then hit the jet again to, on flat surface keep going.
You land on the island with nothing and start scrounging for supplies. You have six item slots. This has to be distributed between weapons, grenades, healing, enhancements, traversal supplements. You are immediately making tactical decisions. If you survive an encounter with another player (i.e. you kill them) you suddenly have all of their equipment as a choice among your six. You can also get color coded Better versions of the equipment. This is a devious enticement to make you always searching for equipment never being satisfied. You want a Purple Gun because that’s better than a Green Gun.
I love all the tiny decisions you have to make in this game and once you add friends I am done. That’s the horrible part. This a game designed that You Can Play It For Free and also You Want To Spend Money On It Immediately. It is a fantastic game about choosing the path with the most cover through a mushroom forest or a cave rave or a South American Ziggurat while also trying to get the drop on the enemy.
I haven’t been able to pull my mind away from it. This game instantly incinerated the brains of the youth. For good reason, it is also very fun. It is excellent and saying “well, try again.” And you do.
Fortnite doesn’t need to take your money, you’ll give it your wallet. Simultaneously O and 5 out of 5 anxiety ridden slow parachute drops.
Hinge Problems 
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